Which is why at our nine month check up I was surprised that he told me I should stop nursing to sleep and that at this age Thatcher doesn't really need to eat at night. I had told him how usually he sleeps great but has been having a hard time, probably due to his teeth coming in or getting closer to walking. He then told me to night wean and stop nursing to sleep so that I didn't form a "bad habit." It surprised me so much that I didn't even know how to respond at first; I never saw it as a bad habit.
It made me feel inadequate. It made me feel like I'm crippling my child; and my first thought was "Yeah, I guess I should." But that's not right, and though I whole heartedly believe that doctors know their stuff and that we should draw from that wisdom for so many things, some things are just going make sense as a mother. Some things depend on each individual and unique parenting relationship.
Like adversity always does, no matter how small, it made me ask myself "why do I nurse Thatcher to sleep? And why do I still wake up (and hope that he does, too) to feed him at three in the morning?" It stayed on my mind this week, and as I looked down today to see Thatcher finally close his heavy lids at naptime, I knew why.
I nurse to sleep because it's easy. I know he'll fall asleep quickly. But more than that I know he'll fall asleep happily.
I nurse to sleep because when I look down and see his eyelids fighting to stay open, his little hands soft and his cheeks flushed from my body heat; I melt. My entire body is just this puddle of goo because there is nothing sweeter than watching his sucks slow and his lids fall closed.
I nurse to sleep because breastfeeding is about more than food. It's also about thirst, and comfort and I love knowing that he's happily drifting to sleep.
Sure, he doesn't need to eat at three am. He would most likely be fine going all night, but haven't you ever woken up thirsty? Haven't you ever woken up and just pulled your significant other closer because you needed that affection?
I wake up to feed him because I feed on demand. Even if that demand is inconvenient and makes me want to swear sometimes. I'm a parent 24/7 not just during the daylight hours.
I nurse to sleep. And I wake up at least once a night to feed my baby because it works for us, and it's okay that it might not for you. It makes life harder, sure. But it makes my son little babe happy and ultimately that's what matters, isn't it?
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