I Have Been Given Life

Can I get sappy for a minute? 

Thanks. 

We often talk about having children in terms of "giving life."

Mothers are often hailed as almost goddesses in our ability to create and shape people. 

Which I love. 

I absolutely love the ability that I have been blessed with to carry and birth these tiny little humans. Adore it. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not grateful for it.

But I feel like I'm being short-changing them if I don't get real and give them some of the credit, too. 

I may have made them, and I may be raising them, but I have been given life by these babes. I know saying that my children are my life often brings some discontent among more feminist females than I, but I am a mother. That's who I was always meant to be. Having babies and spending all of my time and effort raising those babies is my calling. I get that it's not that way for everyone. I get that some moms need time away or need a break or need something else driving them in life-- and I think that's equally beautiful and worthy. But I, to my core, am a mama. 

But that's the absolutely beautiful thing about the fact that my children have given me life just as much as I've given them theirs--it's true for every single mom out there. Working, Stay-at-home, has a nanny...it doesn't matter. This phrase connects us all because we have all felt it. 

My life is so different because of my children. Daily they teach me things that I never would have learned had it not been for them. Daily I am re-evaluating myself and changing things to become better. To become more. 

They've given me patience to stop and think rationally before I act. 

They've given me resolve to think critically and from a hundred different angles to solve a tantrum or find a solution for a problem. 

They've given me the understanding of how important it is to slow down in life and live in the moment. To appreciate that moment. 

They've given me understanding and forgiveness. 

I may have given them life. I may have brought them into this world and witnessed their first breaths but in so many more ways than I can describe they have truly given me the most useful skills and the best understanding of life. 

Does that mean that I'm always quick to hug and slow to yell? No. Of course not. My toddler is pushing every single boundary imaginable. Generally this is happening at the same time his sister is crying in my arms. It is exhausting. It is trying and it is hard. But it is beautiful and rewarding.

But that means that even on the hardest days, even when I feel like I just can't solve a single problem or navigate a single melt-down,  they give me the love and passion and will to try again. And when I have a bad day, when I go to bed regretting a word or an action, they give me a new day with a new chance to be better. 

Today I Chose Happiness

Today my toddler was grumpy. A two year old, grumpy? I know, it's insane. But he was. Not just a little grumpy. He was all out tantruming, hitting, kicking, scary grumpy. 

His 2.5 week old sister is gassy and cluster feeding which makes a grumpy toddler much more fun than usual. YSo after an intense cuddling session I unloaded my plan. "Wanna watch a show?" was of course met with an enthusiastic "yeah!" and ended all tears. 

Until he couldn't decide which show to watch. Cue meltdown. Somehow, as only toddlers can manage, this turned into an all out fight. Which turned into lots of awesome toddler screaming. All moms love being screamed at, right? And that folks, led to a declaration. "Okay! No shows today." What did I just say?! Holding my ground often means my plans of an "easy day" go out the window. 

I was exasperated. I was exhausted. I was feeling the anger well up inside of me and I was so close to tears myself. 

And I made a choice. 

Instead of giving in and getting mad, and frustrated and short--I chose to still make today happy. 

Which is so so hard for me. When I get mad, I'm mad. It's really hard for me to change that frame of mind. This often leads to me being short and distant with whoever it is that gets me to that point. 

So I decided to get over it. To free myself of feeling that anger (which as soon as that sweet little tantruming toddlers head rests on his pillow tonight will surely have turned to mom guilt) and try to salvage the day for the three of us. 

Instead of being short and distant I decided to be loving. 

Instead of losing my temper (which I like to think happens to us all) I chose to keep my cool. 

Instead of sticking him in his room and crying we broke out the Nemo bath toys he picked out last night at target. While the baby napped we played in the bath, blew bubbles and danced. 

And you know what? I wasn't angry anymore. 

I wasn't frustrated. I wasn't close to tears or wishing for bedtime. 

As we looked at and named all of the Finding Dory characters on the bathtub tile for the millionth time I felt that familiar heaviness in my heart. I felt the love for this difficult stubborn little boy swell. And I smiled. 

By making one small choice to choose happiness we both were able to make what could have been an exhausting and downright crummy night into something good. Something fun. 

It's hard sometimes. I feel like being a mom means giving up your right to be upset or frustrated. And it does. There is definitely a time to feel those things--but sometimes it also isn't. Sometimes that human reaction robs us of these otherwise perfect moments.  

I'm far from perfect. I have no clue what I'm doing most of the time. Tomorrow maybe I'll yell. Tomorrow maybe I'll give in and feel defeated.

But today I chose happiness. Maybe I did a whole "fake it till you make it" thing--but it worked. ❤️